What do I want?
It is a simple question isn’t it?
…It rolls off the tongue so easily. People want successful careers, lovers, family, and money. The list is endless and for many people it’s as simple as that, and they are able to go out and work for it. But it’s not that simple for someone like me.
I don’t want those things, not really. I mean they would be nice sure but they are things that I do not feel that I can truly have yet. Even if I did, and have, obtained some of those things they do not bring me any satisfaction. Because I feel there is something that needs to come first before I am able to have any of those things. Something needs to come first before I am able to deserve any of those things or I will just sabotage myself.
So what is it that I want?
I want to be normal.
I don’t want to walk through my day with a mask over my face hiding the fact that I feel as though I am on the verge of a heart attack. Like there is some dark entity with its hand in my chest and its fingers wrapped around my heart.
I want to be free of my irrational fear.
Fear that I have annoyed or angered a dear friend with my anxiety. It has to be exhausting for my closest friends. Constantly dealing with me and this irrational fear and anxiety. Constantly having to point out that I am overthinking, that I am okay, having to answer for the thousandth time that everything is fine and that I did nothing wrong.
I push them away, sometimes I get angry. Not at them because I am eternally grateful for their friendship. I value them more than they’ll ever know. But I get angry at myself for being such a burden on good people who I was able to open up to. They say I am not a burden, but for some reason I cannot allow myself to believe them …completely.
I wish I could, I wish it were that easy; because if I were able to do that, I bet I would be happy and feel whole. I am tired of alienating loyal friends through my own self-sabotage. I feel I have alienated my family because I know that I have hurt them. I do not think I deserve a relationship with someone special until I can achieve this, until I can find a way to be free.
I want to be free of envy,
the ugliest of sins. When I go out to eat and I see couples laughing together I cannot help but to imagine how nice it must be. Seeing a woman lost in the eyes of someone she loves across a dinner table. How full of bliss I think to myself they are in that moment. Then I realize, and I am angered at, and ashamed of, myself. I know nothing of their lives. How dare I assume that the grass is greener for them?
I should be grateful for the things that I have in my life, because I am not what I would consider unhappy. I have wonderful friends who I have been able to share a thousand joyous bouts of laughter with. I have a respectable job and I am able to provide for myself. But I am still plagued. I am unable to give it my life the full appreciation it deserves for my experiences, because I am plagued by fear and irrationality.
Through this detestable envy I lose sight of myself. It is not just some envy of a happy couple; it is at least not that petty… although envy is indeed petty. It is envy for life unhindered. It is the envy of watching an old man enjoy a peaceful moment on a park bench with a gentle breeze across his face. It is envy of seeing people with genuine smiles and are not weighed down by anxiety. I am able to experience moments such as these when I am fortunate to find myself within an instance of clarity and I treasure them because I know that they will not last. Sooner or later I will find myself in the grips of an internal struggle. Arguing with myself and providing counter argument after counter argument when I find myself consumed by some irrationality or another.
Envy is my greatest shame.
I want to be able to experience silence of the mind and experience the feeling of being mindful, the feeling of being present in the world I find myself in.
I overthink everything that I say and do.
I am unable to focus on anything that I am doing because my own consciousness pulls my mind away from the task before me. Because of my overthinking, I feel regret at everything I say. Worried I said or portrayed myself in the wrong way. At time it causes me to spiral out of control. I overthink myself into deeper and deeper grips of anxiety. To the point that I will send multiple messages to friends to the point that it… well I can only imagine what they must think.
And that’s the problem isn’t it?
That through overthinking I make negative imaginations a reality that I cannot control. It is that inability to control them that pushes people away, because once again I feel as though I am a burden… This is why I find myself constantly apologizing, because I know that this is not who I am; but it is someone that… I am struggling to break free of.
I feel ashamed of myself.
I want to be normal… I want to be at peace.
I do not ask for happiness because that is up to me to create. However, I do not know if I can be happy until I am able to find some means of control. I have been through counseling, Bio Feedback PTSD therapy, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy, and Active Mindfulness Meditation Therapy.
But I am still crippled by anxiety. It is not always bad. In fact there are stretches of time where I am able to get a glimpse of the man who I was supposed to be. Free and thoughtful. Lately this is not been my experience. I have been struggling a seemingly losing battle with myself. To reassure and strengthen myself to bring myself back to some homeostasis of focus. I wrestle with this demon in my mind trying to learn how to live with it and to come to terms with it; because I know it will never be gone. It is a part of me but at the same time it is not who I am. Though sometimes I am not sure if I am able to believe this.
How can it be a part of me but not be my identity when there are times when I am consumed by it? It is true all the same. I am not the demons that I find myself shackled to. I am whoever I strive to be, whoever I fight to be. I am who I am, and I am greater than the sum of my parts.
I do not want to be saved by anyone.
This is good because there is no way for me to be saved by someone else. It has to come from me. So I struggle each and every passing moment of every day. Trying to find distractions in each passing moment for an instance of clarity. Those who suffer with depression and anxiety are not weak… We are some of the strongest fighters you may ever stumble across. Our fight is unending. There is no respite for the wicked or the anxious.
There is however a chance at control.
To be able to come to terms with our demons during these epic staring contests and arguments taking place deep within our minds… hidden behind a smile. Through control we have a chance of our own form of peace, of normalcy, of a life only slightly burdened by our irrational fears.
To my dearest friends,
The few who I have been able to open up to and to find a sense of comradery with. I am deeply sorry that there are times when you are drug into the struggle with myself. I hope that I never managed to accidently push you away when I find myself at my lowest. You are truly dear to me for standing by me. I know it cannot be easy in any way shape or form. Just know that I am eternally grateful to you for your patience, for lending a non-judgmental ear, and a kind word. I hope I am never as burdensome as I find myself feeling when I am gripped by anxiety and seemingly uncontrollable bouts of overthinking. Just please understand that when I come to you broken and damned after a hard fight that I am not asking to be saved. I am only asking to have you stand by my side and help me to feel reassured and safe as I build myself back up.In this my friends, there has been no one better. So thank you for all that you do. Much of what you do I do not think some of you even realize because it seems so inconsequential, but believe me when I am at my weakest the inconsequential is what makes all the difference.
Thank you again.