I’m just existing, and it may seem pathetic, but it’s true.
I’m trying to find what Shannon wants. Right now, the waters are murky. You know when you’re standing in a lake and you try not to muck up the water so you can see through it? You walk really slow to keep the waters calm, and then you slip and the mud turns the water brown and you hold still to wait for the mud to settle.
…That’s where I’m at.
…I’m waiting for the mud to settle so I can find a clear path of what truly makes M.E. happy.
Up till last month, I had a clear path. Everything seemed, perfect. But now it’s all gone. And for what reason, I’m not sure. But. it’s. all. gone.
So now what? Well I’ve consumed myself in work and have been hunting websites and the whole damn city for a fucking couch, washer and Dryer, and kitchen crap.
A month ago, I would have been arguing color swatches, and laughing because he wanted a motor coffee table and I would’ve wanted a black glass top. But now, I don’t get to argue the coffee table, I just get to pick it.
Yup, just me at ashley furniture having a breakdown cause I can’t decide what stupid coffee table I want.
Which really makes me realize how irrational the female mind can be.
Which brings me to the fact my trust issues, are a mess of a subscriptions themselves. It’s not that I fear being in a relationship again. I fear just dealing with one. I don’t want to get close to another guy. I don’t want empty promises, and a breakup text message, and me chasing love. I just want to take a walk for a while, stretch my legs and think for a while.
And another thing that’s weird, it’s like men get a notification from their cerebral system that a female interest is now single and needs to contact via messenger to ask if they are “ok.”
No, I’m not okay. Yes, I will be okay. But. please. leave me alone. Until I can pick up all the things the previous dude left shattered.
All-in-all this whole experience has taught me so much about myself and life. I do enjoy sunrises and sunsets and I’m a lot more thankful for them. The smell of the air when I walk out the door for work.
I’ve taken happiness for granted (I know that sounds strange.) But I did, I got so egotistical thinking that the whole situation between us was going to be perfect and fucking marshmallow rainbows. Turned out to be a Hindenburg Disaster and he just walked away scot-free.
But I feel very movie-esque. I’m staring in a rom-com as the very beautiful (confidence) talented (conceded) woman, who was with someone whose ‘just not that into you’ and right before the credits roll…
He whispers in her ear, ‘You deserve better.’
She pulls back looking into his breath taking eyes and begins to cry, truly understanding the words, only to take it way out of context and begin to feedback with ‘He thinks he deserves better.’
a cut scene.
To her just hiking the grand canyon, and letting loose on the dance floor, and road tripping, and finding the perfect couch to fit in her new space.
P.S Thank you Liz Tuccillo