I’m about to Taylor Swift the shit out of this.
My track record with relationships is pretty much the same. We meet, we date, we plan, we stop communicating. I feel like J. Lo in the early 2000’s just cycling through men.
I know my personality is different. I’m not clingy, I don’t like being around each other 24/7, and I would choose work over a guy any chance I got.
Which makes me a risk. Not only that, my examples of love are Runaway bride, cause I’m a flight risk. Pretty Woman, I’m not a hooker, but work = money. Clueless, cause well, as if, like I’m gonna sacrifice my selfish lifestyle for someone else.
But this one, was not like the rest. Because I never meant to fall in love. It just some how happened. One min, I’m asking for advice. The next I’ve lost complete control of my mind.
I assumed this was forever, and it’s all I wanted. blah, blah, blah. I made plans and sacrificed myself. There’s a song buy The Goo Goo Dolls called “Bulletproof” and the line “Never live for someone else” was always in the back of my head, it just wasn’t there when I thought of him.
He consumed my thoughts, my ideas, my texts, my hopes, and dreams. Now, this is not a bad thing. But I noticed a shift in myself from this strong independent individual, to this caretaker.
And hell, I don’t mean he was helpless or anything like that, it’s just this side of me a nurturing side of me came out and wanted to give him the world. I really need to invest in a heavy duty emotional lock. I thought I had that shit under control.
But I could see a different side of me. It was scary.
In the past three years (I think) there have been about 1,000,000 ‘I Love You’s’ just hanging out there. I didn’t realize how much those 8 letters defined the relationship and reassured everything.
Reason is, I need verbal assurance. I need to see it and hear it. I don’t trust a sense of touch to be a reassurance. Screw that.
I felt like we made a pretty good team. I have high expectations of what a relationship should be. My therapist once explained what a “healthy” relationship should be and I always tried to love according to the directions.
Sometimes I feel like I set the bar too high. Like, I added pressure by wanting certain things and a certain lifestyle. It’s not like he couldn’t meet it, I just wanted it so fast.
But I feel the pressure to be married and have kids cause “That’s what everyone else is doing.” But it’s not that easy. If I get married, that asshole is with me F-O-R-E-V-E-R. If I can have kids, I have to make sure I can afford them. You don’t just bring a child in the world, because oops. For my personality, it needs to be a plan.
I think we were a coke bottle, just carbonated and always being shook. We were happy despite the little hurdles.
But, happiness is within yourself and it’s something you have to master. If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with someone else. I think the both of us struggled with this from time-to-time. We were a tag team of happiness and unhappiness. Constantly switching off.
There was no chaos, or arguments, or put downs, that wasn’t what we were. People always said you have to argue to have a healthy relationship. I don’t like conflict, I like communication.
But once communication is lost, I give up. I DO NOT like feeling unwanted, an insecurity of mine. I won’t push either. Maybe that’s where I lack. Ahh push it. 😉 PUSH IT REAL GOOD.
Where was I?
I must say, it’s weird. Not being connected. I feel somewhat empowered. Somewhat scared. Somewhat pissed off. Somewhat failed. But at the end of the day I’m breathing, and I’ve got one foot in front of the other.
Do I love him… Yes.
Is he a good person… He would argue, but yes, he’s a wonderful person.
Will we ever be ‘us’ again… It’s unknown
Am I gonna shut down, and lay in bed for days, and feel sorry for myself… HELL NO.
I’ve gotta work tomorrow.