It’s hard to explain the development of my personality. I attribute it to anxiety, a sort of blessing in disguise. People who live with anxiety live with fear, it becomes a constant and can develop into a ritualistic constant.
Now, before the pity and woe is me, shut the hell up. I have a little context, I’ve learned to fuel the anxiety, to not let it take over, to battle the mind one day at a time. Which in turn makes it difficult for me to understand people who do have it and let it consume them.
I ran into a major personal battle when I was 19, which turned my body into survival mode. By 22, my survival mind was able relax after the trauma happened. But I grew into a fearful person. So what do you do with fear? You find yourself doing rituals to prevent those feelings and before you know it you’re in full blown panic attacks on a regular basis.
So what changed? My mind, when I was 23, I grew tired of feeling like the world is ending every… damn… day… I had to do something. but I didn’t know what.
Three jobs and college didn’t leave room for anything except to sleep. Which left no time to think about anything negative, and man I never felt so strong and free! I was alway busy, and yes I was tired. But not a mental tired more of a physical tired.
So now for the point of this blog. I don’t get it when people tell me they are bored. How the HECK can you be bored? There is so much to do. I would say my early 20’s turned me into a type-A personality.
I can’t stay home all day long and binge on Netflix (But I wish I could). See what happens is, I feel like I need to be productive in order to reward myself with relaxation. (Very good for the work ethic by the way) So, if I want to be lazy, my mind tells me I have to do something to reward myself with laziness.
Here’s the downside to using anxiety as fuel to prevent negative feelings. You don’t have a social life, you don’t have time to sit down and watch TV and movies, you don’t truly relax, it’s hard to focus on just one project, you tend to choose “work” over “home life.”
But here is the upside to living this sort of lifestyle. You get a lot of shit done in 24 hours. You experience things in life you thought you would never achieve. You value your time. You’re super organized, and you are successful.
So what do I want you to take away from this blog
- Get your ass motivated
- Learned to use depression and anxiety as a fuel source
- Figure out how to achieve your goals
- DON’T BE AFRAID TO CHANGE
Change is good, it’s the best thing that happens to me.